when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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