So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
