I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
