Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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