why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
