I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
