Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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