I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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