wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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