Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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