Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
