well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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