Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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