Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
