I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
