When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I checked into jail on foursquare
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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