Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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