her vagine was all disorganized.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
