Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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