I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
