Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
