A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
