i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize