i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
