Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
