I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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