hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
