Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
