big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
