some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
