I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
