you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
