I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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