I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Use "feeling words"
Yay
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
