Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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