my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
