Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
