i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
