I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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