My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
