He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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