Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
