On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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