I hate your face
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
