we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
