Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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