I'm jealous of your bromance
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
