Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
