What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
