If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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