we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
