If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
