I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
